Patrick Kane Not Ready For Lockout to Be Over Because He Hasn’t Finished His Beer
Not every NHL player is getting ready for the lockout-shortened season to start. In fact, some players are just now finding out.
“What? Already?” said Chicago Blackhawks star forward Patrick Kane when informed of the new agreement between the NHL and NHLPA.
“They didn’t waste any time, did they?”
Kane has spent the past four months training in Cancun, the spring break hot spot on Mexico’s Atlantic Coast. Most of that time has been spent in Señor Frog’s, a popular spring breaker bar.
While that might seem like an unorthodox place for a professional hockey player to stay in game-shape, Kane begged to differ.
“It’s fun as hell here, man,” he said. “Where do you expect me to go? Switzerland? For what? Cheese!?”
Kane proceeded to laugh for several minutes at his own joke before continuing.
“But seriously, bro – I’m not down with Europe or the AHL. I don’t want to take a job away from some dude trying to make it, know what I mean?”
Kane explained that, for a professional hockey player, it would be a more ethical decision to hang out in Cancun than taking spots away from other players.
“It’s kind of a dick-move,” Kane said. “I mean, you’re getting some guy fired because you need to exercise? That’s crazy weak, bro.”
When asked if he planned on going back to Chicago for training camp, Kane was hesitant to say yes.
“Look, you have to understand something,” Kane said. “It’s really goddamned cold in Chicago right now. It’s really warm here. All the chicks in Chicago are uptight and wearing parkas right now. And here, all the chicks are hot, horny, and half-naked. So you see the problem?”
And as the man who scored the Stanley Cup winning goal for the Blackhawks in 2010 gazed upon the thighs of a bikini-clad college co-ed, Kane sighed.
“Besides, I haven’t finished this beer yet,” he said.