American Hockey Fan Tries to Watch World Juniors, Fails

Luke Renner, 22, just can't watch World Junior Championship hockey.

Luke Renner, 22, just can’t watch World Junior Championship hockey.

Luke Renner, 22, an American hockey fan born and bred in Lyon Township, Mich., attempted to be excited to watch World Juniors Championship hockey, but simply could not do so.

“I don’t know,” Luke Renner said. “I mean, I appreciate the skill-level of those guys, but it’s not…it’s just…I don’t even know who they are.”

He added: “It’s like, I’m just watching a game. I’m not really rooting for anybody because I don’t care who wins and I don’t care who loses – I’m just watching guys skate around. I thought I would like it because I thought I always liked ‘the game’ – know what I mean? But damn, this shit is boring.”

The experience of watching World Junior Championship hockey and feeling absolutely no excitement whatsoever caused a sort of existential crisis for Luke, according to friends and family.

“He had always thought he watched the NHL because he truly loved the game of hockey,” said Harry Renner, Luke’s father. “He thought he enjoyed the grace, the skill, the competition…but once he was forced to watch non-NHL hockey to get his hockey fix, he just fell apart.”

Luke lit a cigarette as he stared at a blank wall in his apartment.

“It’s the damn branding,” Luke said. “The marketing system of professional sports is so strong, so persuasive, that not only did they manage to brainwash me into having complete allegiance to one league, but they made it impossible to enjoy anything else. So I’ve realized that I never liked a sport – I liked a brand.”

The realization caused Renner to question everything in his life…but there wasn’t much else besides NHL hockey in his life, so it did not take very long. However, he did come to the conclusion that his love for hockey was built on a lie – just like fans of other sports, such as basketball, baseball, and football.

“How many people in a 50,000 person crowd at a baseball stadium ever actually played the game?” Renner said. “How many hardcore football fans at your office ever did anything more than catch a ball in a park? It’s all a marketing gimmick. It’s all a lie.”

Luke put out his cigarette and punched the concrete wall with his fist.

“We pay allegiance to brands!” he screamed, punching the wall again. “And we get paid back in lockouts!”

Luke passed out from all the rage he was experiencing. But when he woke up, he felt better.

“Sorry about all that,” he said. “It’s just that junior hockey is kinda boring – I don’t care what Canadians say.”

When asked if he ever really watched any World Junior Championship games, Renner said he didn’t.

“How am I gonna even watch it!?” he screamed. “Sit in front of a computer feed from Canada to watch a bunch of teenagers digitally freeze every 2 seconds? FUCK the NHL!”