Sabres Owner Terry Pegula to Buy Entire NHL for Christmas, End Lockout

"I'm tired of the bullpoop!" Pegula said.

“I’m tired of the bullpoop!” Pegula said.

Buffalo Sabres owner and energy billionaire Terry Pegula has announced he will buy all 30 NHL teams for himself this Christmas in order to end the lockout.

“I’m just tired of all the bullpoop,” Pegula said at a news conference. “I didn’t buy a hockey team so I can sit around and watch Gary Bettman and Donald Fehr flirt and gab with each other. I bought a team because I’m rich as hell and I want to see some damn hockey! So if the owners can’t come to an agreement, I’m just gonna by all their teams. Why? Because I can!”

When asked if the price of all 30 teams was an issue, Pegula responded forcefully.

“Listen, I gave Ville Leino a 6-year, $27 million contract. Do I look like I give a damn about money?” Pegula said.

Pegula said that in addition to buying every NHL team and starting the season right away, he is predicting that the Buffalo Sabres will finally win the Stanley Cup.

“I’m making it so [Sabres G.M.] Darcy Regier finally can’t screw-up and basically guaranteeing any player he wants. And I’m also giving him a list of players he will add to the team, just in case he tries to screw up, anyways,” Pegula said.

Pegula ended the news conference by chugging a chalice of eggnog and leaving in a golden sleigh pulled by all the Miss Universe contestants.

The season is expected to begin Dec. 26.