Paulina Gretzky to Lead Lockout Negotiations with Help of Blonde Friends

Paulina Gretzky plans to whip the NHL's owners and players into shape.

Paulina Gretzky plans to whip the NHL’s owners and players into shape.

Paulina Gretzky, the daughter of hockey great Wayne, has decided to use her clout to speed up negotiations between the NHL’s owners and players – and she won’t be doing it alone.

“Hockey fans are suffering,” Gretzky said. “It’s about time we who can do something about it start to do it. And that’s why I’m bringing my friends to the table.”

The semi-controversial daughter of The Great One, best-known for posting revealing pictures of herself on Twitter, says she and her friends, who are also daughters of the rich and famous, will speed up negotiations by easing the tension between owners and players.

“There’s a lot of pent-up frustration there,” Gretzky said. “I mean, just look at Bettman. The guy is just screaming for some kind of release. It’s sad, really.”

One of Gretzky’s friends assigned to negotiations is Ivanka Trump, daughter of reality show tycoon Donald.

"This is not creepy," Donald Trump said.

“This is not creepy,” Donald Trump said.

“I’m a business woman first,” Trump said. “I even wrote a book about how to succeed in business because my dad’s a billionaire so I know. Anyways, seeing how much business is lost by this lockout just makes me so angry. That’s why I’m here: to loosen up the negotiators and get them to relax so this can be a happy ending for everybody.”

Cindy McCain, the daughter of Senator John McCain, will also attempt to save the NHL season, citing the need for a hockey season in Phoenix so people in Arizona won’t completely forget what hockey is.

Meghan McCain plans to rub Donald Fehr's white-haired head.

Meghan McCain plans to rub Donald Fehr’s lily white-haired head.

“Most everybody in Arizona has already forgotten that Phoenix even has a team,” Cindy McCain said. “I don’t even know what the name of the team is. Wolves or something, right? Anyways, doesn’t matter. People need hockey and I’m willing to do my part – even if it means I have to rub Donald Fehr’s lily white-haired head. I’m a trooper.”

Despite the challenge ahead, Paulina Gretzky believes that she and her crew will be able to save the NHL season.

“Those men have spent a long time locked up in a room with each other and who knows what they’ve tried already,” Paulina said. “But we have something they don’t have: brains.”