3 Ways the NHL Can Really Bring Back Fans

Roberto Luongo is not sure he wants the NHL fans back.

Roberto Luongo is not sure he wants the NHL fans back.

With respect to our esteemed colleagues at The Hockey Writers, we feel that their “5 Ways the NHL Can Bring Back Fans,” is not the answer. Sure, allowing people to see the games on channels that actually exist and having 4 Winter Classic games at once are good ideas, but they are simply not possible because the people who run the NHL do not abide by rules the rest of the human species does.

Our research has shown that the brains behind the NHL are more akin to dolphins with Tourette’s: almost as smart as humans and on the verge of saying unexpected things at any moment that make everybody feel comfortable.

Anyways, here are OUR 3 Ways the NHL can bring back the fans (3 because the NHL is lazy and won’t bother with 5 – take notes, The Hockey Writers!):

1) Have all Russian players wear black hats and coats while smoking cigarettes.

Hockey fans are either confused or enraged whenever a crusty old hockey commentators like Marc Crawford and Pierre McGuire decide they want to completely tear apart the image of a Russian hockey player because he has a funny accent and didn’t grow up on a Canadian sod farm.

So if we just made the Russian hockey players look like villains, it would make accepting rants from the NHL brass easier and fans won’t have to scratch their heads as to why Alexander Semin gets a 1-year contract and Zach Parise gets a 30-year/$3 billion contract, despite having nearly identical stats.


Alex Semin

2) Just move the Islanders to Brooklyn tomorrow.

Why wait? Letting that suffering horse continue to exist in a world of pain and misery is causing Jack Kevorkian to come back from the dead as a euthanizing zombie to end that horrendous suffering.

Just move the damn team to Brooklyn already.


Dr. Kevorkian wearing Islanders colors!

3) Get rid of all Bud Light advertisements from the Colorado Avalanche’s arena and replace them with local marijuana shop ads.

Not only will a service be done for humanity because Bud Light is to beer what piss is to water, but it’ll give the world an opportunity to see a picture of Ilya Bryzgalov with a giant pot leaf in the background as he stares off into space and contemplates life, the universe, and why no matter how much the Flyers spend, they will never win a Cup.