NHL Fans All Think They’re Lawyers Now After Reading 3 Articles About Labor Dispute

Teddy Wozniak of South Buffalo, NY explains his legal theory as to why the NHL labor continues.

Many NHL fans believe they have enough legal knowledge to be lawyers after reading a few articles about the labor dispute between the NHL owners and the NHLPA, an investigation by REAL Hockey News has found.

“It’s all pretty simple, really,” said Teddy Wozniak, 53, while sitting at a bar in South Buffalo, NY. “You see, the owners want what’s called a ‘fiscal litigation resolution’ and the players, they want what’s called a ‘financial decertification leverage.’ But what’s gonna happen is fans get nothing…or in legal terms, ‘screwed.'”

Wozniak’s legal analysis was found wanting by other bar patrons. Frankie McDougal, 27,  from Tonawanda, NY who was also sitting at the bar, said Wozniak was wrong about the owners’ intentions.

“I got this Kindle thing and it lets me get all the Canadian papers,” McDougal said. “See here. Now, the Calgary Patriot News says that, according to the collective bargaining agreement circa 2007, the owners require a ‘mutual asset coordination requirement’ that requires the players to require owners. So, that’s what it is.”

“You’re full of shit,” said Jerry Binupwicz, 67, from a dark corner of the bar. “None of you two sissies know a damn thing about what you’re talking about. It’s all about the contractual obligations of the parties involved to satisfy the particular aspects of the parties’ obligations via contractual consent.”

Binupwic gulped the rest of his beverage and threw the glass against the wall before adding: “It’s simple contract theory, goddammit.”

Legal disputes have also been raging in fraternity houses and office break rooms all around the U.S. and Canada.

At the University of Ohio, two college students discussed what they would do if allowed to participate in the labor dispute that has so far stalled half of the 2012-13 season.

“Bro, I would totally just decertify the union,” said Brad Chestnut, 20, as he passed a bong to a fellow fraternity brother.

“Nah, bro – that would just decrease the players’ ability to attain a mutually beneficent contract proposal and, like, fuck everything up,” said Chad Wills, 20, as he exhaled smoke from taking a bong hit.

And at TelNow, a telemarketing firm in Stratford, Ontario, Winston Church stood in the copy room as he told Francine Capelli, the hot chick in the office, what he thought about the labor dispute.

“It really could just be resolved if both parties let an adjudicating official with a background in conflict resolution science to draw the matter to a close,” he said.

Capelli took her copies from the copy machine tray and left without saying a word.

“Well, it’s true,” Church said.