If NHL Ever Comes Back, Next Two Stanley Cups Awarded to Colorado Avalanche Because Opponents Will Be Stoned

Alexander Ovechkin is already high.

NHL commissioner Gary Bettman has announced that the new marijuana legalization bill in Colorado will force the league to award the next two Stanley Cups to the Colorado Avalanche because opponents will be too high to play in the Mile High City.

“Look, I’m not gonna bull-poop you guys, – nobody’s gonna be sober in Denver for at least the next two years,” Bettman wrote on the back of a dirty napkin from a dive bar in New York City’s East Village where he now holds lockout meetings.

“Any team that goes to Denver to play will be too high to play the game. They’re gonna have constant cottonmouth and will run out of Gatorade. They…”

Bettman continued on a second dirty napkin: “…will be giving their stick to fans in exchange for hot dogs. And don’t even get me started on what the referees are gonna be like. They’re usually high already, but shit’s gonna be elevating now.”

Real Hockey News attempted to contact the Colorado Avalanche for comment, but when this reporter called, Philadelphia Flyers’ goaltender Ilya Bryzgalov answered the phone and insisted on talking about what makes the “actual” substance of the universe’s reality.

“It’s like, you don’t even know what you are. We don’t know what we are if we don’t know the true substance, man,” Bryzgalov said. “I’m hungry. You hungry?”

 

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