Barack Obama to Prevent NHL Lockout in Attempt to Attract White Voters
President Barack Obama is in full campaign mode as he announced a plan that analysts believe will guarantee him a re-election victory this November:winning the majority of white voters by preventing an NHL lockout.
“This is a plan that will only do good for America,” Obama said at a campaign stop in a town in Ohio with hay and people wearing overalls in the background. “There are a lot of angry white folks in America these days. And if there’s no hockey this year, the threat that will face our great nation is so vast, I shudder to think of the consequences. So, I’m going to prevent an NHL lockout.”
Obama added: “Plus, I need some more white voters if I’m going to win this thing. And nothing says ‘white people’ like hockey, so there you go.”
Political analysts say the announcement is a shrewd move by the president because many battleground states have hockey teams, which will give Obama a strong edge over Republican presidential nominee, Mitt Romney.
“The president is targeting white voters in the states he must win, such as Florida and Pennsylvania” said Democratic political strategist, James Carville. “Florida has all those elderly white people from New York who go to Lightning and Panthers games and, unless they get hockey this year, they won’t have anything more to live for other than visiting strip malls and dying of skin cancer. And Pennsylvania, well, those poor white folks are already suffering with the Penn State scandal. If Penguins and Flyers fans don’t get hockey this year, that whole damn state will just go up in flames.”
Minnesota governor, Tim Pawlenty, a Republican and avid hockey fan, said he looked forward to seeing the president’s plan come to fruition and the Minnesota Wild take the ice this fall.
“Stop the lockout? Hell, Obama’s got my vote,” Pawlenty said. “Besides, it’s not like ‘Robo-Romney’ is gonna win the election. So we might as well get to see why the Wild spent almost a quarter billion dollars on Zach Parise and Ryan Suter.”
Despite the overwhelming bi-partisan support for the Obama plan, there was some dissent, most notably from Boston Bruins’ semi-retired goaltender, Tim Thomas, who famously snubbed the president by not attending the White House invitation after the Bruins won the Stanley Cup in 2010.
“I don’t support this plan,” Thomas said in between stuffing Chick Fil-A sandwiches into his mouth. “It goes against America’s values of taking things from Canada and ruining them. Also, Obama is a Muslim. Now excuse me while I go write about it on Facebook.”
Romney, whose former investment firm, Bain Capital LLC, once tried to purchase the NHL during the 2004-05 lockout for nearly $4 billion, also blasted the president’s plan, claiming he had a better one.
“I can save the NHL, too,” Romney said. “Just outsource it to China. They can do it cheaper. Done.”
When asked how he would stop the lockout from happening, President Obama said he will utilize military force.
“I’m gonna have a couple drones fly over the houses of Bettman and Fehr,” the president said. “That’ll get things done so quick, you might see hockey start up next week. Damn, I love drones.”