Patrick Kane Announces He Will Play Hockey in Nicaragua During Lockout Because of Country’s ‘Awesome Beaches and Chicks’

Chicago Blackhawks forward Patrick Kane has announced that he will not play in Europe in the event of a lockout during the 2012-13 NHL season like many of his fellow NHLers, but will instead play hockey in Nicaragua, a country in which the only hockey stick is owned by a retired Canadian guy who brought it down to decorate his house by the beach.

“Everyone is saying they’re gonna go to countries like Sweden or Switzerland or Scandinavia,” Kane said. “But what about when it starts getting cold? I don’t want to be in freakin’ Sweden. I want to be on the beach. And a buddy of mine just came back from a surfing trip in Nicaragua and he said the beaches and chicks were awesome, so I’m going there, bro!”

Miss Nicaragua 2010, Scharlette Allen

The fact that Nicaragua does not have any hockey in the entire country, much less a professional league with professional-style ice rinks, was not a deterrent to Kane, who says he welcomes the challenge.

“No hockey in Nicaragua, huh? That sucks. I guess I’ll just have to make it then, huh?” he said. “After I get done surfing, have a few ice cold beers, and eat some burritos, maybe me and a few of those Latina hotties will have a little pick-up game in my hotel room.”

Kane added: “Hey, I’m just trying to do what Bettman tries to do: expand the game in non-traditional areas, know what I mean? Wink, wink, bro.”

Although Kane’s announcement was considered an unorthodox move for the young star, several other players, including the Phoenix Coyotes’ Paul Bissonnette, have announced they will also join Kane in what could eventually be the first pro hockey league in Central America.

“I hear they got some bad-ass rum in Nicaragua,” Bissonnette said, “So I wanna go play in Nicaragua just so I can name our team the ‘Rum Bums’ – that’s freakin’ sweet, eh? Rum Bums? The Nicaragua Rum Bums? That’s genius, don’t even act like it’s not!”

Although establishing the game of hockey on a beach in a country not known for its hockey fan base, Kane is positive the sport will catch on.

“Once Nicaraguans see all the pictures of me partying like a rock star with all the hot chicks, they’ll be interested,” Kane said.