Hockey Legend Eddie Shore Comes Back from Grave to Tell NHL What ‘No Good Pansies’ They Are

Eddie Shore, the legendary defenseman known for his superior toughness and skill who dominated the NHL for 16 seasons in the 20’s and 30’s, passed away in 1985 at the age of 82. But due to the current state of the NHL, he could no longer rest in peace and returned from the grave with a message.

“These players today are a bunch of no good pansies,” Shore said. “A bunch of high-falutin Mary’s if I ever seen one. What they need is a good kick in the pants and a swift dose of the ol’ 1-2.”

The former Bruin great said that he believes too much money has entered the game of hockey and it is greatly affecting the play on the ice.

“With all that money they’re making, you’d think they could afford a pair,” Shore said as he shoveled coal into a train engine that he built with his own two hands using nothing but a stick and fishing line. “But no, they cover themselves in as much armor as possible and they still get hurt. Back in my day, we went out on the ice with nothing but a sock in our crotch and spent half the game whacking each other upside the head with sticks. If you didn’t get whacked in the head, you weren’t playing the damn game. Hell, we called getting smashed in the forehead with the butt-end of a hockey stick: ‘enjoying a nice breeze.’ But these delicate tulips nowadays call it a ‘concussion.’ Makes me sick.”

Shore continued: “Back when I played in the Patrick brothers’ western league, I once had a gash in my leg so deep, you could fit a baby calf in there and still have room for a barrel of hay. But did that stop me from lacing up the skates and playing the game? No. But that’s because I wasn’t busy posing for fashion magazines like this bucket of fairy dust right here. ..”

NY Rangers defenseman Dan Girardi

“See this is the problem,” Shore said. “This guy tired himself out looking pretty, so he doesn’t even have the strength to press the elevator button with a straight finger. If anybody tried this number during my time playing for the Edmonton Eskimos in 1924, they would have been thrown in the fishin’ hole never to be heard from again. ”

Real Hockey News intern, Sean Avery












“And don’t get me started on this Nancy. Jeez. A hockey player talking about fashion and then posing. Who does he think he is – Mae West? Why, if anybody ever tried to do that while playing for Art Ross’ Bruins back in 1929, Sprague Cleghorn and the boys would have had to introduce him to a stick in the jaw and a fist in the nose.”

Shore also lamented that NHL team owners are responsible for destroying the game.

Sabres owner Terry Pegula

“Those bastards wouldn’t know the game of hockey if it grew teeth and bit them in the rump,” Shore said. “Look at that Italian fella who owns the Sabres. Pegula? So much damn money he gave a $90 million donation to a college hockey team so they could play in a pretty rink. When I was a teenager, we played outside in weather so cold, your nose would just fall off when somebody smashed you in the face with a stick. But did any billionaires come around to build us a nice, comfy rink to admire ourselves and put on our makeup like those college Betty Sue’s? No. Because we were men, dammit.”

The hockey great added: “And why in the hell are they gonna give Shane Doan 7.5 million? I have toe fungus tougher than that Mary.”

Shore also gave his thoughts on the possible lockout.

“With these people running things, what do you expect?” Shore said as he killed a bear with his hands and cooked it for dinner. “No wonder this damn league can’t figure out how to have a season.”

This post inspired by this book: Eddie Shore and That Old Time Hockey by C. Michael Hiam