Psychologists Recommend NHL Seek Mental Help for ‘Post Traumatic Wealth Syndrome’

The NHL just hates itself, according to expert psychologists.

“We have done numerous tests,” said psychologist Dr. Wilhelm Fitz. “And we can conclude is that the people who run the NHL and the NHLPA are people who cannot deal with success and will do everything they can to damage what they do.”

The tests to understand why another NHL lockout might happen despite the league enjoying record profits and increased popularity were done by Dr. Fitz and the University of Central Saskatchewan during CBA negotiations between team owners and players. Dr. Fitz and his staff took tests on all negotiators, which were paid for out of the money bursting from the pockets of players, team owners, and NHL commissioner Gary Bettman, who makes approximately $8 million a year for presiding over lockouts every few years.

“There’s so much money, these guys don’t even know what they are paying for,” said Dr. Fitz. “But with all this money and success that the league has found recently, it appears that the entire league is suffering from ‘post traumatic wealth syndrome,’ which basically means they can’t deal with success and will do everything they can to return hockey to being a fringe sport exclusively for Canadians and rich, white suburban Americans, since that is where they are most comfortable.”

According to research, the sudden boom in hockey’s popularity has resulted in some strange behavior, such as everyone complaining that they don’t have enough money, even though they have never had more, and players like Ville Leino getting extremely lucrative contracts.

“Six years and $27 million for a guy who has never scored more than 19 goals in a season. WTF?” Dr. Fitz added.

The only hope for the league, research showed, was to go into therapy immediately for post traumatic wealth syndrome.

“Basically, these guys are all ‘nuts’ in layman terms,” Dr. Fitz said. “And if they are not treated soon, they’re gonna turn hockey into curling.”

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