Tired of Losing Defenseman, Flyers’ Holmgren Says: ‘Screw It – We Don’t Need Defensemen’

The new hockey sticks for the Flyers defensive corps










With Chris Pronger, Andrej Meszaros, and now Andreas Lilja suffering long-term injuries, the Philadelphia Flyers have announced that they are just not going to play any defense.

“Screw it – we don’t need defense,” Flyers GM Paul Holmgren said as an ambulance arrived to tend to the next Flyers defenseman to get injured, which will happen any minute now.

He added: “Defense is overrated. Everybody says defense is what wins championships. Well, everybody is wrong.”

Holmgren explained that the Flyers new strategy will be to completely forget about defense and concentrate solely on offense with six forwards attacking at all times.

“We’re not even going to worry about goaltending,” Holmgren said. “I mean, let’s face it, we’re the Flyers – we may as well just forget about goaltending.”

Head coach Peter Laviolette is also expected to be a part of the Flyers unorthodox attack style.

“I like to chew bubble gum a lot,” Laviolette said. “So when the other team has the puck, I’m gonna blow a really big bubble and pop it, like BAM! You know, cause a distraction.”

Holmgren and Laviolette are confident that their plan will work. However, if playing six forwards and blowing bubbles does not get the results they are looking for, they will consider signing retired goaltender Dominik Hasek.

“We won’t play him,” Holmgren said. “We’ll just sit him next to Bryzgalov on the bench, tell them to talk about the universe, and hook up a little speaker thingy to them that will feed the audio onto the other team’s bench. That will make the other team so confused, they won’t know what the hell is going on and then we win the game. That’s what you call ‘strategy.'”