NHL and NHLPA Agree: No More Anonymous Hockey Rumor Bloggers, Plz, Thx
Enough is enough.
“It’s like every time I turn around, there another damn anonymous hockey blogger,” NHL commissioner, Gary Bettman said. “What is this, like, a thing the kids are into nowadays? What happened to the good old days when kids were into ripped jeans and crack?”
In a rare showing of solidarity in response to the recent influx of hockey rumor bloggers who choose to remain anonymous for some weird reason, the NHL has teamed up with the NHLPA to put an end to the frightening trend. With Eklund of Hockeybuzz and the recent emergence of Eklund-like clone Hockeyy Insiderr, not only are the youth of North America getting bad lessons in spelling, but they are also in danger of suffering mass overdoses of bullshit.
“We’re doing this because anonymous hockey rumor bloggers are the worst thing in the world,” Bettman said. “They spout a bunch of nonsense and somehow get millions of grown men around North America to read, think about, and discuss their nonsense. It’s sad and dangerous because these men should be out trying to get laid. Instead, they’re talking about a fantasy rumor on Hockeybuzz. Pathetic!”
Bettman was not the only hockey luminary who said that anonymous hockey rumor bloggers are destroying the social fabric. TSN analyst Darren Dreger said that people like Eklund and Hockeyy Insiderr are an insult to anybody who calls themselves a human being.
“I wake up every morning in a full-on rage,” Dreger said. “I kick things, break things, eat things I’m not supposed to eat. It’s crazy. These bloggers – who say they’re being anonymous for God knows why…because why would an actual insider want to talk to somebody who’s anonymous? Anyways, these bloggers cause idiot fans to tweet me questions about if Bobby Ryan is gonna be traded to Buffalo and my head just explodes because it’s so damn stupid. I just can’t take it!”
At that point, Dreger took out a shotgun and started shooting aimlessly in a crowded place whilst screaming profanities and broken French, forcing Real Hockey News to cut the interview short.
Despite the onslaught against anonymous hockey bloggers, the targets of criticism maintain that they are legit.
In fact, Hockeyy Insiderr started a website titled “Hockeyy Insiderr is Legit,” in which the anonymous blogger writes about himself in the third person and tells everyone he is real.
“I’m 100% #CONFIRMED!” Hockeyy Insiderr told Real Hockey News. “I am legit! That’s #CONFIRMED, too! And I don’t tell people who I am because nobody knows who the hell I am and I need some way to gimmick myself! #CONFIRMED!”
Eklund of Hockeybuzz had a similar explanation.
“Everyone knows I’m a guy named Dwayne who lives in Philly and was in a band, but I stick to this anonymous thing because it’s unique,” Eklund said. “But maybe it’s not so unique anymore with this Hockeyy Insiderr guy blatantly stealing my entire idea. I swear, if I ever see him, I’m gonna kick his anonymous ass.”
Eklund and Hockeyy Insiderr would have liked to talk to each other to work things out, but their top-secret anonymity made that impossible. It also made it impossible for anybody who is actually an NHL insider to contact them, which has been the case ever since you’ve heard of these two, sources say.
“That’s why I am making an executive order to stop the influx of anonymous hockey rumor bloggers,” Bettman said. “I can’t run a sports league without a lockout every few years, but maybe I can stop all these annoying rumor bloggers. Maybe I can do something right. Maybe.”