Tim Thomas Named Mitt Romney’s VP Running Mate

In a surprise announcement, U.S. Republican nominee Mitt Romney as named Boston Bruins goaltender Tim Thomas his Vice President nominee. And in an exclusive interview with Real Hockey News, the Republican candidates said they believe that the unexpected move is a strategy to steal Massachusetts electoral votes from President Barack Obama.

“I’ve been waiting for this day ever since I discovered Facebook,” Thomas said. “When I discovered that thousands of fans like the crazy things I say when I am drunk and bored in front of a computer, I figured I should be a politician.”

Romney said that he feels bringing Thomas on board is a great opportunity to prove to America that he believes in conservative family values.

“Thomas had something to do with that chicken restaurant that doesn’t like gay people, right?” Romney said. “I think he also didn’t shake Obama’s hand at some event, too. Yeah, so, I guess he’ll do. It’s not like I’m gonna win anyways. So who cares?”

In addition to bolstering Romney’s conservative credentials, Thomas also gives the Republican nominee a chance to win Massachusetts, the state which he once governed, yet still has no chance of winning, according to analysts. However, it is all up to the Bruins “other” goaltender, Tuukka Rask.

“With Thomas on the ticket in November, there is a good chance that Bruins fans come to vote en masse if the Bruins are doing poorly in goal,” said Hockey and Politics expert, Bert Enernie. “But if Rask sucks, you’re not gonna see anybody in the Boston area vote for Romney, so it’s a pretty risky move.”

President Obama confirmed Enernie’s theory.

“I’m gonna make sure Rask sucks,” said Obama. “And if I need to send a drone to shoot up his jockstrap, so be it. Drones are my thing.”