CBA Negotiations Cancelled Because NHL Team Owners, Players Drowned in Money
In a tragedy of epic proportions, the NHL team owners and players all drowned in their own money while attempting to negotiate a new CBA agreement.
“There was just money everywhere,” said George Hunt, 46, the doorman at the NHL headquarters in New York City, where the tragedy took place. “The entire building was flooded with money. It just kept coming and coming. I thank God I’m alive…and that I have big pockets.”
According to several witnesses, the flood of money occurred when the owners and players were in the midst of tense negotiations. At one point, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman attempted to intimidate NHLPA Executive Director Donald Fehr by shooting him with a gun that hurls stacks of hundred dollar bills.
“Oh, you wanna make it rain? We can make it rain!” Fehr responded, before taking out a cannonball thrower that throws bags of money. Montreal Canadiens center Scott Gomez allegedly loaded the cannonball thrower with the bags of money that were used to shoot Bettman and several NHL owners.
Soon after the shootout begun, the entire floor was flooded with money and nobody was able to escape.
“I tried to throw a rope to somebody,” said Rafael Hernandez, a maintenance supervisor in the NHL headquarters. “But the rope was made of money, too, so it just broke.”
The NHL, which set record profits last season, has had problems dealing with all the money it has been accumulating. Recently, Fehr went to Barcelona to talk to a few NHL players – just so he could have something to spend money on.
With the NHL now having drowned in money, Russia’s KHL hopes to make inroads in the North American market.
“We don’t have problems with negotiations,” said a KHL representative who threatened to kill this reporter if his name was revealed. “We only have triggers that jam occasionally.”