NHL Apologizes for Exposing Millions of Innocent People to Nickelback
In an attempt to correct one of modern history’s most tragic mistakes, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman has issued an official apology for causing millions of hockey fans around the world to be exposed to Nickelback.
“Sometimes in life, one does not realize one’s greatest mistake until it’s too late,” Bettman said. “Of that, I am guilty. And I hereby apologize to the world for letting the NHL promote Nickelback.”
Breaking down in tears, Bettman said, “I can’t believe I let this happen to children,” before ending the press conference prematurely.
Hockey fans have been complaining for years about the dangerously widespread availability of Nickelback in Canadian and suburban American communities due to the NHL’s promotion of it. However, complaints fell on the NHL executives’ deaf ears.
Recent studies by McGill University show that exposure to Nickelback has resulted in severe cognitive damage to millions of North Americans. Researchers believe that when Nickelback is exposed to a person’s ear, that person suffers “audible toxic poisoning,” a condition best described as brain damage occurring as a result of horrible sounds. In some cases, the brain damage can be so extensive that the person actually likes the sound of Nickelback.
Although the Nickelback exposure has caused untold amounts of pain and suffering, the NHL hopes that everyone can move forward now that the effects are fully known.
“Now that we know being Canadian is not a good enough reason for a musical act to be promoted by the NHL, this won’t happen again,” said John Collins, Chief Operating Officer for the NHL.
Collins added: “We’d also like to apologize for having Drake at the All-Star Game…”
“That was bad.”