P.K. Subban Not Signed Yet Because He Laughed Too Loud in a Restaurant

During a golf conference of old Canadian men and Molson beers that was disguised as a CBA negotiation, it was revealed that the reason why P.K. Subban has not been signed by the Montreal Canadiens – or given an offer sheet by another club – was because the talented young defenseman laughs too loud for his own good.

According to several NHL general managers around the league, the primary reason behind Subban not being signed had to do with him laughing rather loudly at Au Pied de Cochon, a popular, French-style restaurant in Montreal. The volume of the laugh was considered “unclassy” by league executives and therefore a good enough reason for Subban to be either offered far below his market value or not signed at all.

“You can’t just come in this league and start laughing so loud,” said one general manager who asked not to be named. “It’s just not classy.”

Los Angeles Kings center Mike Richards, who scored a total of 4 goals in his team’s Stanley Cup-winning run, including absolutely zero goals in the finals, said Subban needs to earn the right to laugh loud in a restaurant.

“He’s a guy that’s come in the restaurant and hasn’t earned respect,” Richards said. “It’s just frustrating to see a young guy like that come in here and so much as think that he’s better than a lot of people. You have to earn respect in this restaurant. It takes a lot. You can’t just come in here as a rookie, order roast duck, and laugh like that. It’s not the way to get respect from other players around the restaurant. Hopefully someone on the restaurant staff addresses it, because, uh, I’m not saying I’m going to do it, but something might happen to him if he continues to be that cocky.”

Subban has averaged approximately .50 points per game as a defenseman during his two years in the league, which is similar numbers to another Kings star, defenseman Drew Doughty, who signed an 8-year, $56 million contract with his club after only two years in the league. But despite the comparables to high-level defenseman, general managers say that Subban is still a high-level risk.

“You just never know what a guy like that is gonna do,” said another GM who asked not to be named. “One day he’s laughing loud in a restaurant, the next day he’s celebrating a goal too excitedly. You just can’t trust a guy like that. It’s not classy.”

Montreal Canadiens general manager Marc Bergevin confirmed rumors that he offered Subban a two-year contract worth $5.5 million. “I couldn’t offer him more because the league thinks he might buy some flashy suits,” Bergevin said.