Ryan Miller Demands to Have Spiritual Guru ‘Provide Guidance’ During Games, Practices
Buffalo Sabres’ goaltender Ryan Miller is known to put intense effort into his focus and concentration. But this upcoming season, he plans on taking that effort to a whole new level.
Under the guidance of Master Padmish Linker-Fritz, the self-proclaimed “Supreme Soul-Leader” of the Church of Utmost Potential, Miller plans on breaking through the “negative vibes” he claims has plagued his game through concentration, meditation, and bathing in a mixture of goat blood and egg yolks before every game.
“There is no doubt that Master Padmish will help me get to the next level,” Miller said while sitting cross-legged atop a rug made of hair from female members of the church (all women in the Church of Utmost Potential must be completely hairless). “This is what I need to do to not let in 1-2 soft goals every game.”
Master Padmish believes that Miller’s devotion as a student in the Church of Utmost Potential is sure to benefit the former Vezina trophy winner.
“When I saw how hard he closed his eyes and concentrated before games, I was in awe,” Master Padmish said. “I immediately thought – now here’s a kid I could trick into paying me millions of….ahem! Whoa – don’t write that down. I mean, what I meant to say was: I immediately thought here’s a kid I could help. That’s right – help. I want to help Ryan win a Heisman or whatever it is they win in hockey.”
As part of Miller’s spiritual training, Master Padmish is required to be with the 32-year old goalie 24 hours a day – including games and practices. Miller has proposed to Sabres management that Master Padmish be given special status to be on the bench during all games and allowed to be on the ice during practices.
“And showers, too!” Master Padmish said.
“When I get out of focus, I am supposed to stare into Master Padmish’s eyes and chant,” Miller said. “The chant goes like this: keep-a-ting-away-keepa-ting-away-keep-a-ting-away.”
Miller added: “If I don’t have Master Padmish’s spiritual connection to guide me. And Master Padmish says that the spirit is like a WIFI connection – you have to be kind of close for it to work good.”
In addition to chanting and connecting, Miller is required to follow a ritual before and after every game that involves bathing in a concoction of goat blood and egg yolks known as “Padmish Juice,” while chanting his credit card number and expiration date.
“It’s so he realizes the fleetingness of material things like money,” Master Padmish said.
Although Miller believes that Master Padmish’s spiritual supervision will help him keep the puck out of the net, Sabres general manager Darcy Regier is not pleased with the idea.
“We only have room around here for one cult leader/spiritual guru,” Regier said. “And his name is Lindy Ruff.”
Lindy Ruff would not comment for this article because he is involved in a lawsuit against Master Padmish, who the Sabres coach claims has stolen his “patented motivational techniques,” according to the lawsuit.