Tim Thomas So Bored, He Sits at Home Writing Facebook Posts About Chick-fil-A

Tim Thomas making sure the American flag is visible on his helmet so people know he’s a patriot.

As he took another sip of beer from his miniature Stanley Cup mug, Tim Thomas, the former Vezina trophy winner as the NHL’s most valuable goaltender, has admitted that he regrets taking the season off because he is so bored, he has nothing better to talk about fried chicken and gay people.

“I’m bored out of my (expletive) mind,” Thomas said in between multiple burps. “I thought taking a year off would be fun. I mean, I’m rich as hell and I’m still pretty young, so I can do virtually anything I want in the whole world. Literally. But here I am posting about the Chick-fil-A thing. To be honest, I don’t give two flying (expletives) about either of them. I think I was drunk when I posted that thing.”

Thomas was referring to a post he made on Facebook titled, “I Stand with Chick-fil-A,” which contains interview quotes from the fast-food chain owner regarding is stance against same-sex marriage and his belief that “God” will punish America for redefining what “marriage is all about.”

Although Thomas did not recall making the post, he admitted that it sounded like something he would do.

“Look, everybody knows I’m a little conservative. I make sure of that because I do whatever I can to make sure they know,” Thomas said. “But to be honest, I don’t even know what that means. Sometimes I think it means government should stay out of our lives, but then again I think our government should be a Christian theocracy that makes everyone obey the Bible, whatever that means. Sometimes I think it means we should all support our military, but I sure as hell wouldn’t go fight…I just paint a flag on my helmet, give a few soldiers some tickets, and call it a day. And sometimes I think we should all live within free-market principles, but I’m a pro athlete, which means I make millions off of one of the world’s greatest entanglements of government and corporatism: professional sports.”

The star goaltender stared into his Stanley Cup beer mug and pondered. He didn’t say anything for 14 minutes. Finally, he looked up at the ceiling and laughed maniacally.

“I figured it out!” he yelled. “The reason why I wrote that post about Chick-fil-A is because I am indebted to fast-food corporations. I know they make millions of dollars pumping kids’ arteries with grease and corn syrup, but if it wasn’t for corporate sponsorship, there’s no way I could have received a $20 million contract for playing a game. Their logos are all over hockey arenas. So I owed them something. And when I saw all these people expressing their freedom of speech to condemn Chick-fil-A for expressing their freedom of speech by funding groups that discriminate against gay people, I had to do something, so I wrote some stuff on Facebook.”

He added: “At least, that’s what I think I did. But I don’t know what I’m doing half the time. If you had to face Zdeno Chara slap-shots in practice everyday, you wouldn’t know what the hell you were doing either.”

When Thomas was asked if planned on doing anything else besides rant on Facebook during his year off from hockey, the former Stanley Cup MVP said he just hopes to be a positive influence.

“I have a lot of time – obviously,” he said. “And I have no idea what to do with it. But if my political values make any sense at all, I think that means  I should encourage kids to discriminate against others and eat lots of really unhealthy fast food. And maybe throw in a ‘Jesus’ or two every now and then.”

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