Rick Nash Happy to Finally Play for an NHL Team

Picture of Rick Nash taken during existential crisis while playing for Columbus

NHL superstar Rick Nash was relieved when he got news of his trade from the Columbus Blue Jackets to the New York Rangers.

“Finally – I get to play for an actual NHL team,” he said in-between tears of joy and gratitude. “I’ve been playing against NHL teams for so many years and I’ve always wondered what it would be like to actually play for a real-live NHL team. Now I’ll get to find out. Thank God.”

Nash explained that he has been dreaming of this day for years, ever since he was drafted by the Columbus Blue Jackets in 2002.

“I was so excited when they drafted me because it meant I would be able to have a chance to play against NHL players and maybe, one day, I’d get the call to play for one of the big clubs,” Nash said. “I just didn’t think it would take this damn long.”

The trade to the New York Rangers could not have come at a better time. Nash opened up about his fight against depression, which he believes was a result of languishing in obscurity while playing for a team he was not sure truly existed.

“It’s like (the Columbus Blue Jackets) exist, but not really,” Nash said. “There’s a uniform, there are players, but it’s like they’re not really there, know what I mean? It’s like a sick, cosmic joke.”

Despite making nearly $8 million per year, Nash said he cried himself to sleep every night for the past five years while playing for the Blue Jackets.

“I just didn’t know who I was or what I was doing or where I was going,” Nash said. “And it got to be so much tat I would just cry. I cried all the time. I cried in bed, I cried on the toilet, I even cried on the bench during games. Look at some of the games, especially against the Red Wings. I always cried when I played the Red Wings.”

Now that he will finally be playing for an NHL team, Nash said he is looking forward to doing what NHL players do.

“It’s gonna be awesome,” Nash said. “I’ll finally get to slack off and not worry about producing all the time because I will have already made it. And when we lose, it’ll not be only my fault – there’s a bunch of overpaid guys on the Rangers to blame!”

Nash did, however, express reservation at the possibility of playing more than 82 games a year.

“I hear they have these things called ‘playoffs’ where they have to play more games after the season ended,” Nash said, referring to the Stanley Cup playoffs. “In Columbus, we never heard of those. To be honest, I kind still think they’re a myth.”