Don Cherry Demands to See Pavel Datsyuk’s Birth Certificate; Questions Russian-ness of Red Wings Star

Legendary hockey commentator Don Cherry has publicly demanded that Red Wings star Pavel Datsyuk reveal his birth certificate, insisting that the future hall of famer cannot be really Russian.

“(Datsyuk) plays way too good of a 2-way game to be Russian,” Cherry told reporters at a press conference. “It’s like he actually cares about defense and doesn’t only think about making some pretty passing play to score a nifty goal.”

“Just doesn’t sound Russian to me,” Cherry added. “Sounds more like a good ol’ Ontario boy. West of Toronto, to be specific. That’s why we must see Datsyuk’s certificate.”

Cherry posited a theory to reporters that he believes Pavel Datsyuk was actually born Peter Datsun in Rainy River, Ontario. But at an early age, Russian spies intent on stealing hockey glory from Canada, kidnapped the future star in order to brainwash him into believing he was Russian and make Canadians believe that Russia can actually produce hockey players who have defensive talent.

“Stranger things have happened,” Cherry said, while wearing a neon pink suit with Jackson Pollack-esque splatter dots and a hat made of the hair of every Toronto resident’s first-born.

Cherry also demanded that birth certificates be revealed from Pittsburgh Penguins star Evgeni Malkin and New Jersey Devils sniper Ilya Kovalchuk.

“Both of those guys have improved their defensive game recently – so even if they weren’t born in Canada, they must have had some sort of genetic transformation that made them Canadian,” Cherry said.

When asked if he would be demanding to see the birth certificate of Washington Capitals superstar Alexander Ovechkin, Cherry denied the possibility.

“The guy wears a tinted visor and bright green laces,” Cherry explained. “Anybody with tacky fashion sense like that has to be Russian.”

 

 

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