Coyotes’ Doan Fears Buffalo ‘Stalker-Blogger’

“Is he looking at me?” said Coyotes winger Shane Doan

It was as if things couldn’t get worse.

Phoenix Coyotes’ star winger and highly sought-after UFA Shane Doan had just checked his email when he gasped for breath.

“Another one,” he said. “Jesus – will this guy ever stop?”

The hard-hitting hockey player is no stranger to brawls on the ice and has a reputation around the NHL as one of the game’s toughest players, but when it comes to stalker bloggers, “I just get scared – this is something a referee won’t come in and break-up,” Doan said.

The Coyotes captain was referring to the frightening amount of attention he has received from a blogger on, who is known to post illegible posts about how super-human Sabres goalie Ryan Miller is and how great 80’s rock bands are, but has recently devoted every waking moment of his life to the possibility of Doan signing with the Buffalo club.

“I mean, I haven’t even talked to (Buffalo Sabres General Manager) Darcy Regier yet – I think he sent a fax, but he definitely didn’t call,” Doan said as he clutched a blankie and looked side-to-side anxiously. “But this blogger guy – Garf or something – has already written 12,340 blogs about me. I mean, I’m half expecting this hoser to start writing about what floss I use and how old I was when I stopped wetting the bed.”

“Not that I ever wet the bed,” Doan added. “But this guy might write something like that, know what I mean?”

When asked if Doan would consider joining the Sabres despite blogger eyes perpetually staring at him, the current captain of the Coyotes expressed reservation.

“You have to understand that I’ve been playing in Phoenix for years and over there, the closest to a hockey blogger they have is Steve Nash when he texts his girlfriend,” Doan said. “There’s no hockey and no blogging involved, but he’s Canadian and he’s typing – so that’s the closest we have to a hockey blogger. And now he’s in LA, so there’s that.”

Not being stalked by obsessive bloggers was a positive quality, according to Doan.

“There’s nothing wrong with anonymity,” Doan said. “I can walk around Phoenix with my jersey on and the only person who will recognize me is maybe a lost, drunk Canadian tourist. But if this blogger is any indication of what Buffalo fans are like, I’m imagining an entire city of lost, drunk Canadian tourists who follow me home, camp in my front yard, and steal my dog’s poop for souvenirs.”

Doan added: “You know what? As a matter of fact, there was a guy who did that last year – and I think the cops said his name was Garf or whatever and he was from somewhere near Buffalo.”

The rugged winger immediately got on his phone and called his agent to instruct him to never, ever schedule a meeting with anybody from Buffalo. Ever.